A Prescience report by honest Joe Chip

 

 

Hollywood has been left reeling after a sensational undercover news report detailing cocaine use amongst its biggest movie stars was published in the Los Angeles Times. Written by controversial Hollywood hack Jeff Sluice, the report exposed the extravagant cocaine habits of some of Hollywood's most prestigious superstars. Over some 6 months Sluice managed to infiltrate one of Hollywood's most exclusive celebrity circles - namely the Seven Club - so named on account of its members earning 7 figure sums in each movie they make, or produce. Sluice posed as a hip young Hollywood producer connected with movie distribution company Mirimax and managed not only to become a member of the Seven Club but also to befriend a number of prominent Hollywood celebrities within its esteemed circles. In this way Sluice came to uncover and document the astonishingly prolific cocaine use of Seven Club members.

"The cocaine use of Seven Club members beggars belief," wrote Sluice in the LA Times. "A number of simple tests I carried out with an electronic drug detection device revealed that the air within a 100 metre radius of Seven Club parties often contained as much as 100 parts of cocaine per million. In theory, you could get done for possession simply by walking nearby."

 

Sluice described how one of the first Seven Club parties he attended was at the luxury mansion of famed Hollywood actor Tom Cruise. Apparently Cruise's mansion was full of so-called cocaine waiters. These cocaine waiters were men dressed as butlers who carried silver platters laden with lines of snort and pre-rolled dollar bills as opposed to glasses of wine. The cocaine waiters would mingle amongst party guests and offer lines of coke to whoever wanted some. Sluice personally saw superstars like Tom Hanks, Johnny Depp and Mel Gibson indulging in numerous coke snorting sessions, often tipping the waiters with thick wads of dollar bills.

If the white line antics of Tom Cruise and his friends seem excessive, more decadence was to be found at the multi-million dollar home of Joe Pescy. The pint-sized star of the blockbuster movie Goodfellas had so much cocaine at his Seven Club parties that it was not uncommon for extra loads to be delivered by truck.

"Joe Pescy's party was outrageous," writes Sluice. "A couple of large trucks arrived at midnight and delivered two small skips of cocaine outside Pescy's mansion. I vividly recall seeing guests like Christopher Walken, Harvey Keitel and Robert De Niro being joined by about half a dozen prostitutes and then all of them stripping off and climbing into those skips and burying their faces in the mounds of cocaine. They stayed in that skip until dawn."

 

Sluice goes on to state that a favourite place for the Seven Club to meet and party was at the home of acclaimed film actor George Clooney.

"George Clooney is particularly loved by the Seven Club," reveals Sluice. "Clooney is one of the wealthiest men in Hollywood and spends a fortune on acquiring cocaine and other illegal drugs. The back portion of his house is actually fabricated out of compressed cocaine. It's a material called cocaplex. It's a bit like fibreglass only its main ingredient is super-compressed cocaine. Its easy to import as it cannot be detected by conventional means. At Clooney's place, you simply start breaking bits off from his wall tiles, crumble it into a powder and then snort it."

According to Sluice, Clooney's parties were considered the greatest events in the annals of the Seven Club. Guests would be issued with small chisels on entering Clooney's home and could then chip, crumble and snort at will. It was not uncommon to find entire kitchen furniture made from cocaplex. A lively group of Seven Club party guests would routinely get through a chair a night, or even a small table. In the weeks following such a party, Clooney would simply purchase more cocaplex furniture.

"The worse thing though," writes Sluice, "was the fact that the very next day after one of his cocaine parties, Clooney took part in a benefit gig to help raise funds for the America Against Drugs Campaign. He gave a speech at this fundraiser not knowing that he still had cocaine powder all over his hair."

 

As for police intervention in these wild and extravagant cocaine orgies, the local police force turn a blind eye. This is not surprising however since Sluice discovered that the chief of police at West Hollywood - a sergeant Paul Mendoza - is of Colombian extraction.

"Police chief Paul Mendoza has relatives in Columbia who are known to have convictions for cocaine smuggling," explains Sluice. "When I requested an interview with chief Mendoza regarding the prolific use of cocaine throughout Hollywood, he declined. His English was terrible. He only knows about 5 words. He's obviously involved in the cocaine distribution within Hollywood. More than half of his serving officers are Bolivians. The only drugs crime they have investigated in Hollywood in the last month has been the case of a young kid found on the street with 5 dollars worth of weak grade cannabis and a couple of cans of shandy. And I know for a fact that at the very same time that they arrested this kid, revered actor Nick Nolte was holding an exclusive Seven Club party at his house where several buckets of cocaine were delivered by a dealer flanked by a police escort. The hypocrisy is blatant."

 

Sluice also uncovered a vast chain of hangers on, opportunistic clean-up operators who cash in on what Seven Club guests leave behind.

"As you can imagine," writes Sluice, "The amount of cocaine spilt on the floors of these Seven Club party venues is vast. There thus exists a professional vacuum cleaner company called Suckers who come into these places in order to hoover up the leftovers. They do good business on the cocaine they reclaim and basically have a monopoly in the trade. To protect themselves from other cleaning companies who are clamouring to get in on the coke fuelled action, all Suckers personnel are armed. Only recently, the head of a rival hoovering company was shot 17 times in the head. And Hollywood police had the nerve to say that it was suicide."

Apparently, after a particularly hedonistic Seven Club party held by Elton John at the home of his Hollywood chum Richard Gere, Suckers are reputed to have recovered some 3 kilos of cocaine from the carpets of the millionaire actor's home.

Actually, Sluice attended the aforementioned bash and, apart from seeing guests like Diana Ross and Cher having a cocaine snorting competition, was also witness to a bizarre sexual act performed by Richard Gere.

"The stories about Richard Gere and a hamster are likely to be true," says Sluice. "I personally saw Gere grease and thence utilise a shaved Yorkshire Terrier for purposes of sexual gratification. Elton John helped him. And both were off their heads on snort."

 

Since publishing his sensational story, Sluice has been arrested by police chief Mendoza on charges of libel. However, when questioned by reporters, Mendoza was unable to answer on account of his English being so bad. Sluice is currently on bail and faces a court appearance next month. The Los Angeles Times has yet to officially detract his story.